


You'll Never Understand

by stellations



Category: Sanctuary (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 21:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5681515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellations/pseuds/stellations
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>AU - James' life takes a dramatic turn because the future is never written in stone.<br/>Set after 4x01 and the tail end of 4x02.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. She's the only one who can

**Author's Note:**

> AU - James' life takes a dramatic turn because the future is never written in stone.  
> Set after 4x01 and the tail end of 4x02.

Helen had always been careful and calculating in her life. The moment she made the decision to change even one small part of history, she had to calculate every variable to make certain that piece of history would remain by perception. It wouldn’t do for her other self to think he had somehow lived. 

In the end, she made a serum out of Chilean Shepherd Frog secretion, and that was what she brought to Bhalasaam. Her calculation of the time of their arrival was completely accurate and she spent only a short time waiting for them all to arrive. Once they had, she followed them inside, careful to stay well out of sight and masked her scent from Nikola as well as she could. She would only get one shot to make sure he would stay with her. After that, they could figure out what to do next. 

Helen’s chance came after they turned to find the Source Blood. Sliding through the shadows, she injected his lower arm with the serum. To his credit, he didn’t cry out, only turning to give her a very confused – and, if she were to entertain the idea, almost frightened – look on his face for just a moment. She placed one finger over her lips and slipped away again. Nikola’s sense of smell nearly discovered her, as she noticed him sparing a glance in James’ direction. Fortunately, she was gone from his line of vision by that point and a moment later she was making her way out of Bhalasaam. 

It would take her a while to make it back to the Sanctuary, as she didn’t have the luxury of John’s teleportarion, and by that point a lot had happened. James’ body was scheduled to be sent to London the next day and she would have to hurry if she wanted to be there when he woke up. She caught up with his casket before that happened, fortunately, sneaking into the infirmary with the security cameras down one night. Nikola was off somewhere else – thank goodness – and everyone else was asleep. Or, rather, they were also off somewhere else and the Sanctuary’s defenses were left unguarded for the moment. She’d already called Declan to tell him not to open the casket once it reached London and she knew everyone else would be too busy worrying about finding Ashley to deal with the heartache of losing James now. As long as they all thought he was still dead, she could manage this. 

Now came the hard part: getting him out of the Sanctuary.

He was still lying on one of the beds when she arrived, not yet ready for transport – she’d left specific instructions not to open his casket once it had been closed. That much she remembered and hoped it would still hold through now. 

“Helen?”

“Shhh. We’ve only got a short time to get out of here.”

He frowned at her, as though he couldn’t quite see her. She knew what that meant.

“I’m the future Helen, James, and I need to get you somewhere safe.”

“Why? Because I’m about to die and you’d rather not be around to see it?”

His mind had to feel fuzzy after having been drugged for so long. That knowledge didn’t really make her feel much better and she sighed, trying to push aside the knife that his words carved into her. She still felt the guilt for his – perceived or otherwise – death the first time around and Ashley’s as well. There was nothing she could do to spare Ashley, not even this time around. Ashley was gone and somehow it felt as though she’d chosen her former lover over her daughter and she wasn’t entirely sure what to do with that.

She pushed that aside and focused on the man in front of her. “Because my other self needs to _believe_ you’ve died. Please, James. I don’t have long to get you out of here before someone will come looking and your suit doesn’t have long before it truly gives out.”

He seemed to want to argue, but she shot him a pleading look and so he simply nodded. “Where are we going?”

“Somewhere not far away I’ll tell you when we get there.”

That wasn’t an answer and she knew it, but she couldn’t risk explaining yet. She knew he wouldn’t like her words and wasn’t disappointed when he agreed. 

“That’s hardly an answer, Helen.”

“I can’t say. Not here. I promise I’ll tell you everything, but I need you to trust me.”

It was asking a lot and she knew it, but she didn’t ask things like that without good reason. He seemed to remember this and after a few moments, he finally nodded and allowed her to help him sit up. The suit was still giving him a lot of trouble and Helen knew it was a race against time to get him down there – funny that it was time she was moving against when she’d had over a century extra.

Getting him out and down to the lower levels was difficult enough. She’d tried her best to remember exactly which path she’d taken at what hour and who had been where, but she knew there was always a chance she would miscalculate or someone would appear where she hadn’t expected. They moved at James’ pace, as quickly as he could manage, and by the time Henry had restored the cameras’ functionality, they were gone, spirited away through the underground she’d set up for just this sort of occasion. 

The entrance to the Underground Sanctuary was far enough that she was temporarily afraid they might not make it. But somehow they did, with him grumbling about the sewer pathway they had to take. He did manage to give the new Sanctuary an approving sort of look, even as he sent her a slightly annoyed and slightly confused one. She suspected he was too tired to properly ask her about it and that was fine with her; she would answer once he was awake and feeling better. 

She managed to get him inside the new infirmary and hooked his suit up so he could sleep it off. The moment everything was working again, she noticed a change. The color was returning to his cheeks and the gray hair and wrinkles subsided. It was good to see him returning to normal and she hoped it wouldn’t be long before he _felt_ like normal. 

“Helen.”

He caught her wrist as she turned to leave and she glanced back at him. “Hm?”

“Thank you… my darling.”

Those words hadn’t been spoken between them in decades; that pet name that had once been theirs alone now served as a reminder for what she’d lost over a century ago, what she had mourned for so long. For a moment, her throat closed up and she was aware of tears pricking the corners of her eyes.

“You’re my oldest friend, James. I had to try.”

Before he could respond, before he could say anything about the look on her face or ask her questions about the future, she disentangled herself from his grasp and fled the room, trading the heartache of her closest friend’s embrace for the emptiness of her bed. 

She cried herself to sleep that first night, tossing fitfully and checking the monitor she’d set up in the infirmary for any sign of change in James’ condition. He did well that night and every night for the week it took to readjust his system and the suit. She had to be there to feed the system with nutrients and everything his body needed, as it was taking this whole recovery thing quite seriously. And she was there by his side when he woke up again. 

At first, he could barely pry his eyes open, but soon enough he turned his head to watch her as she worked. Her heart ached to know that he was there and likely was angry with her for a lot of things she’d done during the course of their lives, for letting him believe he would die and then saving his life through very unconventional means. She had a lot to make up for and that was why she didn’t look at him at first. 

“I won’t bite, you know,” he finally commented, clearly analyzing her behavior as she had known he would.

“I never said you would,” she responded, still not looking at him as she checked his vital signs.

“And yet, you are treating me as though I’m some kind of contaminant, a poison perhaps? Guilt, for saving me and thus altering the timeline?”

“I’ve made it so that no one will be able to tell.”

Silence fell for a moment that seemed to stretch forever. Helen was grateful for it, as it provided her a chance to ignore the implications of what they were saying.

“And so you are still bitter over everything that happened.”

“What are you saying?”

“I think you already know.”

Feeling as though he’d backed her into a corner, she turned to face him. At some point while her back was turned, he’d sat up on the medical bed, pillows bracing him. She ignored that and grabbed her stethoscope so she could check on the sound of his heart and breathing. Machines would only tell her so much. 

“Do I?”

Unfortunately, this brought her quite close to him, so close that she could truly see something in his eyes, something she was certain he’d been trying to hide from her since she’d left for Old City. And it awakened that part of her she’d buried for over a century, something she never thought she’d experience again. As she sat down on the edge of the bed next to him, as she felt his hand reach up to gently brush her hair aside, she knew she was in trouble. 

“You’re alone, Helen. That’s why you saved me.”

“I missed you, James. Over the years, I could’ve used your guidance.” Finally satisfied with the way he sounded, she hung the stethoscope around her neck and lifted her gaze to look at him. “You always were my oldest and closest friend, James. How could I not try?”

“Then will you allow me one thing with my new life?”

He was looking at her strangely, his eyes holding something she couldn’t quite pinpoint.

“Of course. What do you need?”

No verbal answer was offered. Instead, his thumb brushed her cheek before she suddenly found herself being pulled forward and into the gentlest of kisses. It was an embrace she remembered very well from the time they’d been seeing each other so long ago and despite her best efforts, she found that closing her eyes wasn’t helping her stay distant at all. In fact, that simple act made it so much easier to lose herself in their embrace, accepting the kiss and returning it as much as she thought he could handle. 

“Thank you, Helen,” he murmured when they finally parted. 

“For what?” She sat back, resisting the urge to run her fingers over her lips to test them, as though she didn’t quite believe they’d actually just done that. 

He gave her a gentle smile, full of that something she wasn’t sure she wanted to identify. “For saving my life.”

She knew that wasn’t entirely what he meant. He probably did want to thank her for that, but she knew there was more to it. He meant to thank her for the kiss, for giving him another chance, for saving his life, and for starting to let someone in. She needed him; as much as the independent woman in her hated to admit it, he was very good for her. He always had been.

“You’re welcome,” she murmured before she fled the room again, taking her feelings and burying them in the sand of her loneliness once more. 

It took a little over a month, almost two, for him to recover enough to be able to join her in her new office. She’d expected as much, but what she hadn’t expected was the feeling of satisfaction just the simple act of showing him around the new Sanctuary gave her – nor the unnamed feeling she got simply from being near him. It was nice to have him here with her again, to not be so alone.

She should have known that her oldest and closest friend would be the one to show her that she didn’t need to remain as she once was. 

Sitting on the sofa in her new office with a book in hand, she was reading when he entered, though she set the book aside and patted the space beside her with a smile. “Glad to see you’re up and about today.”

The smile on his face, small and yet as gentle as ever, was encouraging, as was his willingness to sit next to her. She noticed his arm resting against the back of the sofa and slowly settled herself closer. 

“It was kind of you to invite me to stay for a time. I had to favor you with my company in return.”

“I should hope that isn’t the only reason you’ve deigned to grace me with your presence,” she teased, leaning over to kiss his cheek. 

He seemed to lean into that, something she found as endearing now as she once had way back when. “Someone has to make certain to keep you in line, my dear,” he returned.

She ducked her head with an embarrassed smile. “Who better to do that than you?”

“Who, indeed.”

For a moment, they simply sat there, gazing into the other’s eyes and enjoying the silence. 

“James, may I ask you for a favor?”

“Of course.”

“Something’s about to happen, something I can’t change.” She held up a hand to stop him, knowing he would want to interrupt and figure out what was going on soon. “I’ve looked at it from every angle and there’s no possible way to save her.”

Even now, even being so vague, speaking of Ashley’s death at all tore a great gaping wound through her chest. 

“What is it you need, Helen?”

She pursed her lips, trying her hardest not to give in to the emotions she could feel swelling within her. That tidal wave could not be allowed to overturn her. Not yet. 

“Will you distract me? Please?”

Her gaze flicked to his mouth and for a moment she thought he might deny her. 

“Anything you need, Helen.”

His eyes spoke of his sincerity and this time, when they leaned closer, it was she who kissed _him._ That first night, she spent with him in his bed, having wanted to check on him one last time before she tried to sleep. He beckoned her to him, patting the mattress beside him, and she complied. The simple act of lying down against him meant that she’d sunk herself, turned over that boat before the wave even reached her. Whatever she’d been trying to tell herself wasn’t working; he’d captured her again and she was beginning to remember why she’d fallen in love with him in the first place.

“Who dies, Helen?” he asked a few nights later. They were curled up in her bed this time, his arms around her and hers around him. Entangled as they were, the only thing separating them was the suit. He’d already taken it upon himself to kiss her senseless and his hands had explored every inch of her. She’d managed to help him as best she could and as far as she could tell, they were both quite enjoying the arrangement. 

Of course, his question made her tense a little before he squeezed some of that tension out, kissing her neck until he distracted her. 

“Who is it?”

She paused long enough to breathe for a few minutes, gathering herself for the storm she knew was coming. “Ashley. By teleporting into the EM Shield.” Even a century later, it still hurt to think about. “She was that one piece we were missing. The Cabal laid their trap and she was the result. They got her and the Source Blood, James. I failed everyone.”

That was her problem: her guilt, something she took great pains not to show anyone, not even Nikola. 

“You did what you could under the circumstances, Helen. I don’t think anyone could blame you for that.”

“Can they blame me for not trying the second time? I can’t upset the timeline and yet there are times I wish I could.”

He kissed her forehead and then her lips, feather-light against her skin. “I’ll admit, knowing I would someday die and that you wouldn’t change that fact for your precious timeline was challenging, particularly after you left London. I thought, perhaps, you were leaving me to die alone.”

“James, I –”

He placed a finger to her lips and then replaced it with his mouth, effectively cutting her off for a moment. 

“But then I looked at you when you returned for me, watched how vulnerable you’ve become around me, saw you open up, and I realized just how alone you’ve been. That loneliness, Helen... it’s jaded you, changed you and I’d like to see you best it.”

He was the one she needed, the voice of reason she’d missed for so long. With his help, she lay low in the Underground Sanctuary, enjoying each night as though it were her last and researching ways to save him from the suit by day. She had ideas, but she would need more hands to transfer everything, more than she had already at her disposal. During those nights, she told him what had happened, what she’d done over the years after his death and then when she’d been reliving them. Sometimes he had needed time to deal with what she had told him, to cope with the knowledge she had given him and how it had contradicted so much that he’d come to believe about her. But in the end, each time he had returned to her; she would wake to the feeling of him sliding into bed with her, turn towards him, and fall asleep against his chest with the feeling of protection seeping into her bones. It was something she hadn’t allowed herself in decades and she’d almost forgotten how nice it was to fall asleep with someone she truly cared for. The only thing they didn’t quite see eye-to-eye on was where he would be once she rejoined the timeline.

“You seem to want me to remain in the shadows while you play hero up on the surface,” he grumbled to her for what felt like the thousandth time in the last two years. 

“I’m not trying to play ‘hero,’ James, and I wish you could see that.”

“If you could see yourself.”

“What do you want me to do, bring you back with me and listen to everyone question how on Earth you’re still alive?”

“I had hoped you wouldn’t leave me alone.”

His look was plaintive as he stared across the room at her. Stretched out on the bed while she brushed her hair at the vanity in the corner, she watched him through the mirror and suddenly realized what point he was trying to make to her. 

“Oh, James.”

Rising from the chair, she turned and headed straight for him, climbing up on the bed and settling so she could wrap her arms around him. He didn’t want her to leave him alone without anyone down here and he certainly didn’t want to leave her to her bitter loneliness. The progress they had made over the last few years was monumental; she didn’t need to undo all of that with one little decision.

“You’ll help me come up with a way to stave off their questions?”

“If it will keep you near me? I could do no less.”

She tilted her head downwards until she found his mouth. “Then that’s how it shall be. I’ll always keep you near.”

“See that you do,” he murmured in a tone so plaintive and full of longing that she thought she might just burst from the guilt. 

“As long as you are mine, darling, I will keep you near.”

She would have to go on a few missions and errands alone, of course, but those could come as needed. James understood that there were things she would need to do alone. As long as she returned to him, they wouldn’t have as difficult an argument as they once had. She got them both into the Sanctuary among the mess of the refugee camp issues and hid them in her room. With two minds working as one, they monitored what was happening. 

“If you look here… What do you see?”

“Nothing good. I told you it wouldn’t be easy once we rejoined –”

The sound of the bedroom door shooting open cut her off and with a look of amused interest, she and James both turned towards it, as though they hadn’t been expecting to have someone interrupt them. The look of confusion on Will and Abby’s faces was more than worth the effort. 

“Magnus…? Dr. Watson?”

“Okay, what’s going on?” Poor Abby would need to be brought up to speed as well. She had never actually met James.

“You must be dear William’s girl. What a pleasure to meet you, though I had hoped it would be under better circumstances.”

“How are you still _alive_?”

“I know you have questions for us, Will, but right now we all need to focus on something else.”

Redirecting attention to what was happening at the calderas was difficult, but not impossible and soon enough they were all working on a solution. Will kept shooting James looks that clearly said he thought the older man had come back from the grave – which he may as well have – looks that they all did their best to ignore. Eventually the crisis was averted and Helen gave Will and Abby the explanation they deserved. 

Later, once everything had calmed down, Helen properly introduced James to her bedroom in this Sanctuary. Giving her long hair a decent brushing, she settled back against the mattress and curled up next to her lover. 

“Well, my plan has been set in motion,” she murmured, resting one arm across his stomach. “I suppose now we get to see what it unravels.”

“Whatever it is, you’ll have more than enough help to get through it.” He gently tickled her side.

“Indeed I shall.” She retaliated by hooking one of her legs over his and holding him close. 

“Thank you, darling.”

This felt all too familiar and she tilted her head up so she could see him better. “For what?”

“For bringing me with you.”

A smile graced her lips and she leaned up to kiss him gently. “Always. As often as I can. You’ll never be more than a phone call away.”


	2. The way you lay your head upon my shoulder when you sleep

He’d always thought she was beautiful when she slept. She had a peaceful quality when she slept, something she rarely had when she was awake, especially these days. He’d noticed a little more of it while they were hiding away for those few years, times when she had actually relaxed with him, and he’d vowed to do what he could to make sure she could relax again once they returned to the surface. Those times were few and far between, but he thought he was keeping that promise so far.

She wore herself out far too easily and he wished he could say he was surprised. This time they were situated on the sofa in her office. She’d curled up next to him, rested her head on his shoulder, and promptly fell asleep. For a moment, he couldn’t bear to move her. Of course he knew it couldn’t be very comfortable for her neck and so after a while, he gently repositioned her so she was lying down fully on the sofa with her head in his lap. That he could deal with a little better. He slid a small pillow under her head, began to gently stroke her hair for something to do with his hand, and went back to reading.

She woke an hour later, stretching as she did, and he set his book aside to see what she would do. It took her a few minutes to return to the land of the living and another few to figure out where she was but eventually she rolled over onto her back and rested her legs over the arm of the sofa. Her smile was gentle, something he’d grown to treasure, as it was exceedingly rare these days, and he returned it with a small, fond one of his own. 

No words were needed. His hand had stilled when she rolled over, though he gently tangled his fingers in the length of her hair before lifting it to brush at her cheek. A soft laugh tickled her chest and he thought he would rather like to see more of that.

“Thank you,” she murmured, lifting a hand to his cheek. He leaned into the touch, remembering a time she’d done that so much more than she did now.

“For what?”

“For letting me sleep.”

He turned his head to kiss her palm and was rewarded with a sharp intake of breath. 

“I could do no less for you. You hardly sleep as it is.”

“Mmm.”

She shifted and before he could protest, she’d sat up to press her lips to his. That he could get used to. He paused a moment to savor the embrace before he placed a hand against the back of her head and deepened the kiss. She was a witch – he was convinced of it – and she’d weaved such a complicated spell to recapture him that he was certain he would never be able to slip free of it.

And that was as it should be. Helen made life interesting and he would have it no other way.


	3. I don't like to be alone at night

He’d protested when she’d told him she would need him to stay out of the UN’s line of sight, more when she’d informed him of the need to have him elsewhere when Addison and his group came to check on the Sanctuary and threaten them into cooperating with the UN. But James was a good man and in time he’d come to understand and accept what was happening and what point she was making. He didn’t like it, of course – how could he? – but he didn’t fight it too badly. 

What he did fight was her decision to find Richard Feliz alone. 

“And if I went with you at least you’d have one more mind to help figure him out!”

“I need you here,” she told him firmly. “I’ll be fine. It won’t even be long.”

“The last time you told me that, you were gone for years, decades!” he shot back. 

She sighed, knowing she’d walked right into that one. Pulling the small duster over her shoulders, she moved to stand in front of him. Placing her hands against his cheeks, she carefully forced him to face her, taking great pains not to pull at his suit. Even then, he barely looked at her. 

“I’ll be back, James,” she assured him. “You have my word.”

She kissed him to prove her point, but she knew his heart wasn’t in it. As much as it hurt to imagine, she couldn’t blame him for being worried and upset with her. After their long and involved history, she expected nothing less.

Of course, finding Feliz wasn’t nearly as easy and she would have hoped. Nothing ever was for her. Her only saving grace was that Charlotte was both lucky and wonderfully up to the challenge of following her. If their situations had been different, she might have been tempted to ask Charlotte to return to the Sanctuary with her. They could use another mind like hers.

“You sure you can’t stay for a few days, hang out?”

“You see, the thing about me is that I rarely just hang ou–”

Charlotte cut her off, leaning over to press her lips to Helen’s. Helen froze, having not expected that at all. It wasn’t a _bad_ kiss by any means. It was just… well, as with everything in her life, it was complicated.

“Mad?” Charlotte asked, clearly worried that she’d managed to offend her companion.

Helen offered a slight shake of her head, her expression mild. If their situations were different… she might have gone for it. But she had someone waiting for her and she could never hurt him again.

“On the contrary,” she began gently, trying to let her down as carefully as possible. “I just… I’m seeing someone.”

“Oh…” Charlotte’s face fell visibly at that and after a moment, during which she played silently with Helen’s hair, she pulled away, her hand falling back to her side. “Sorry…”

“Don’t be. It’s just a bad time for us both.”

And with one last smile to tell Charlotte that there was no lasting harm done, Helen brushed past her. She had a plane to catch, after all. 

It was unfortunate that she wasn’t able to change before she got back. Stepping into her room in such a state of disarray in the middle of the day wasn’t exactly what she’d planned on. Still, she was willing to make the most of it. Removing the black duster, she dropped it on the floor – it was well beyond the realm of saving – and sat down on the edge of the bed to tend to her wrist. 

“What the devil happened to you?”

She started visibly. She’d been so involved in unwrapping her wrist that she hadn’t been paying attention to the bathroom, where James had apparently been. Lifting her head, she fixed him with a pointed look. 

“I got into a bit of trouble,” she answered firmly, tending her wrist, washing it, and rewrapping it. 

“So I see,” he snapped, sitting down next to her on the bed. “What in the world happened to you?”

She sighed, choosing not to answer. Of course he wouldn’t take that. He never did. Placing his hands around her injured one, he took control of the rewrapping away from her. She looked away angrily, but didn’t pull away. 

“What happened?” he asked again, far more gently this time. 

Knowing she wouldn’t be getting out of this any time soon, she finally gave in and explained everything. By the time she had finished, he had wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him. He was the best comfort she’d ever had and as she relaxed in his embrace, she wondered how she had ever lived without him. 

“A woman kissed me just before I left.” She didn’t know what possessed her to admit that and the way he tensed brought her head up so she could see him. His expression had darkened. She wasn’t surprised. 

“And did you–?”

“No,” she cut him off immediately. “I told her I was seeing someone.”

“Oh…” His expression changed, confusion and wonder prominent on his face. She reached a hand up to his cheek, knowing he was surprised she hadn’t done anything.

“I told you I would come back for you and I meant that. We _are_ seeing each other, darling, and I wouldn’t change that. I know it’s been difficult for us both and it’s a lot to swallow, but I thought… well, I rather thought we might be able to work through things.”

He seemed to be fumbling for the right words. “I had rather thought… you might only stay with me for a short time and once you found another…” He shrugged, as if it didn’t bother him as much as she knew it must have been.

Her free hand mirrored her first. “Only you, darling. I’ve told you before, I’m falling for you again and I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world.”

Something swam behind his eyes, but she didn’t get nearly enough time to figure out what it was before he had pulled her to him, kissing her with a passion she hadn’t felt from him in years. Deciding right then and there that she would do everything in her power to show him just how much he meant to her, she lost herself in his kiss, surrendering to his embrace. She was his Helen, now and always.


End file.
